Just outside of Bangkok, I needed to wash away my own personal defilements. My mother instructed the driver to stop at a roadside 7-11. Cool! We have 7-11s at home too; well... with the exception of a man sleeping in the back of a pickup truck loaded with vegetables and a group of men chatting in front of the restrooms at 3 AM as if it's the local hangout where everybody knows your name.
This isn’t the same exact 7-11. Excuse me for not having the clarity of mind to snap a photo in the dark at 3 in the morning.
Everything seemed strangely familiar until I walked into the bathroom stall.
What?!?!?! This wasn’t mentioned in the Lonely Planet!!! I don’t recall reading this in any missionary letters home! Why didn’t the Crazy Asian warn me? Now I know why she made me wait with the luggage while she made her granddaughter use the restroom at the airport!
Before any malaria infested mosquito could fly into my open mouth, the Crazy Asian shepherded me to a wooden door with peeling white paint bearing the same sign as in the picture below.
Silly me. I had simply walked past this door. I was not and am not pregnant, elderly or physically handicapped. As far as I’m concerned, they should have emblazoned an American flag on the door because Fellow Farang (foreigner), this stall is for you!
Before you deceive yourself into believing all was now right in my universe, let me direct your attention to the lack of toilet paper. In my sleep deprived state, I did not take notice until after the fact. Thankfully, I had made my mother come into the stall with me on account of the men sitting within earshot. Naturally, I thought she would hand me a tissue. Instead, the Crazy Asian points to the spray hose conveniently situated to the right hand side of the toilet. I don't find her giggles one bit funny. She relunctantly fishes out a tissue before I can embarrass her with a loud temper tantrum.
How much you wanna bet that I refrained from all liquids for the rest of the three hour car ride. When we pull up to my half-brother’s house, I finally hydrate my parched lips. I down a liter of H2O as if I’ve just been rescued from the desert.
As soon as the luggage is unloaded, I confidently walk into the bathroom. I look to my left and let out a slight scream...
Whose nightmare am I living!
I collect myself and look to the right.
What is this? It. Can't. No. Is this the tub?
I demand an explanation from the Crazy Asian. Of course, I can't decipher it all. Her giggles still don't help matters. I close the door on her before she starts tearing up from laughing so hard. I don't want her wasting any of my precious tissues and toilet paper.
I can figure this out on my own. What's the big deal. I went camping as a child. Wait. The campsite always had regular bathrooms. Well, I can do this. I have no choice right? It's not like I can run down and use the bathroom at the local 7-11!
I won't go into details. Here are some tips should you ever find yourself in a third world country living like the locals.
First, this is important, you don't sit. You squat. Where you might think your cheeks go is intended for your feet. I hope your aim is good. Make sure you tilt your lower body towards the back. (Hmmm... Now, I understand why Thais believe the feet are the dirtiest part of the body.)
Next, this is a BYOTP establishment. You might also want to bring your own plastic grocery bag to throw away any used tp. If you find yourself unfortunately paperless, grab the dirty yellow dish floating in the water filled bucket with your right hand. Make sure your clothes are out of draining range. Then splash and wipe yourself with your left hand. EWWWWWWW I know. (This is why Thais find it nauseating when someone eats with their left hand. Now you know.)
Okay, you're not finished. Don't waste your time looking for the flusher. You won't find any automated ones here! Remember the dirty plastic dish floating in the water filled bucket? If you haven't already had to use it, pick it up with your right hand. Load it to the max with water, stand back, and with your outstreched arm dump the water quickly into the squat toilet. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. After a few trips to the loo, you'll learn the correct height and velocity needed to do the job effciently.
Wash your hands. Where do you think you are? Safety first!
Walk over to the concrete water holding tank AKA the mosquito breeding ground. Grab some soap with your left hand, pick up the plastic dish with your right hand, dip it into the cold water, make sure you don't accidentally dish up any mosquitos, and proceed as usual. Well, just do your best. Hopefully, you brought your own handtowel. If not, do as the locals do. Drip dry.
By evening, I had seen enough of Thai life to last me for a week. We never made it to the Loy Krathong festival. I hear it's beautiful. Chances are you can read about it in any missionary letter home from Thailand.
